Domashni Channel STAR MEDIA Presents Alexei Sekirin Natalia Rychkova Tatiana Rudina Mikhail Bogdasarov The Family Maria Vaksman, Alan Khurumov Directed by Dmitri Sorokin They say people don’t change. Well, I don’t know. This man has the Bauman University,
the Management Institute under his belt. This man is me, Alexei
Leonidovich Konovalov. I’m forty. Not so long ago I was the successful
director of a small IT company. How did I end up like this? It
all started on Programmer’s Day. It was the 256th day of the
year, known among the IT crowd as “Programmer’s Day”. My soldiers
were getting ready for the holiday. Our main programmer, also my
assistant, showed up for work adhering to the professional dress code. A sweater and a beard. By the way, my assistant’s
name is Alyona Vishnevskaya. Hey there. Hi! Has the boss seen it? Nope. Go see him, let him have a laugh. Who, The Calculator?
Does he know how to laugh? You’d have an easier time making
a seal in the zoo laugh than him. Yes, he does know how to. You
just have to know how to do it. Good morning. Alyona, come in. These days a lot of the search
engines are making browsers. And in this scene, we’re totally f…
Alyona, please, take this stupid beard off. It reminds me of a… System administrator. Take it off, please. You won’t go far just having websites. Definitely not with the
recession so near in sight. Well, we’re mentally ready for it. Alyona, I’m not. I’ve been creating
this business for ten years now. I don’t want to watch it go bankrupt. So we need a strategic partner. And you’re… Wow. Have you heard of Infinity Game? I made it to the seventh
level in their Little Croc. Yeah. They have a lot of good games. I found out their owner
called himself David Coti. It’s actually David Kotov. Graduated
from Saint Petersburg Polytechnical, then moved to Canada during the
Perestroika and started a business there. We have a great firm for
distributing their games in Russia. A small staff, good
employees, clean accounts. Coti’s flying to Moscow soon.
He’s great at those things. Wonderful. We have nothing to hide. We’ll meet him, take him for
a walk, do everything right. Of course. You see, it’s not that simple. What’s wrong? Coti was born in Lubavichi. Okay, and what, people from
Lubavichi hate Muscovites? No. He was born in Lubavichi,
and Orthodox Jews live there. He was brought up that way, he’ll never
sign a contract with a single adult. You see? There’s a Panopticon.
What century is he from? Long story short, I need a family. Ridiculous. Do you
even have a girlfriend? Are you kidding? Yeah, you’re right. You have a couple days
to find me a family. Have you read my resum?? Of course. I’m your boss. In the “useful skills” section,
did it say “matchmaker experience”? What’s so difficult about it?
I’m not going to get married. Just contact some
actor agency, that’s it. Really, what’s so difficult? Why don’t you do it yourself, then? And who’s going to mind the
company, Alyona? All right, go. I’ll mail you the list
of recommended qualities. What qualities? So you don’t find some turtle.
It’s my wife, after all. I want her to act
like it. That’s it, go. And what stages is she going to act on? No stages, Rudolf Valentinovich. It’s for a, what do you call
it, internal play in our company. Love? Not what his heart desires. So your company has an
improvisation stage, right? There’s no stage! Don’t
you get it? There isn’t! Do you ever eat before
you’ve done the dishes? I just need an actress
with a child! That’s it! The most important thing is talking
to my ex-wife into letting us take it. There’s no stage, Rudolf Valentinovich! Or any play!
Or any parts! What are you so angry for? I get it. Where is she going to play? Yeah, the lens is the
most important thing. There’s no way a good
lens would be that cheap. And don’t forget the memory card. I have a memory card, you can borrow it. Okay, no memory card.
We have one. Okay, done. Daughter’s visiting her
pen friend in Australia. Cool. Did you rob a bank? Selling my car. I promised her I’d do it if she
doesn’t get any C’s, what can I do? Does your child arrange his own toys? How much time do you
spend in the bathtub? What kind of disinfectant do you prefer? Do you use halogen lamps? What system of arranging
things do you prefer? No real system, actually.
Just as long as it’s neat. Oh, the… linear tangency system. Great! You are suitable. Okay, who else is there? Here. What, that’s it? Alyona, she’s a bit… heavyset. But she’s patient. Also the only one able to sit
through all your stupid questions. Look, she’s twice my size. That’s good! We’ll tell him
you met at a shot put contest. She was the athlete and
you were the cheerleader. Okay, she may not be a model. But she’s quiet, homely. With make-up on she’d make a nice wife. Okay. Hello. Yeah, Alyona. She refused. What do you mean she
refused? Make a bigger offer! She didn’t take it. And
they’ve run out of actresses. What do you mean they’ve
run out of actresses? Make them order new ones.
Alyona, Coti’s arriving in a week. Where am I supposed to get them? How would I know where
they get actresses from? Weird… Hello, Alyona, I have an idea. Maybe you’ll do it
yourself… Wait, wait, wait. First off, you already know me. Secondly, you did a great
number with that beard. Just get a couple kids
somewhere and you’re set. Are you that overworked? What do you mean? Alyona, I’ll pay you. First off, I already
have a child. Two, even. And secondly, my kids aren’t for sale. What, you really have children? You really are Calculator, aren’t you? What did I say? Nothing! It’s just that I
know everything about you. What you eat, what you
drink, even what you read. And you didn’t know
that I’m a mother of two. Okay. What am I reading? Right now you’re finishing a book
called “Personality types and business”. How do you know? I brought it to you myself yesterday. Look, Alyona, you can’t expect
me to know your every nuance! My children aren’t a “nuance”! Goodbye. Alyona, wait! Alyona! Fine. Alyona, tell me, how long
have we worked together? I’m not playing your wife. Damn it. I said no. Leave me alone, please. I said no! No, no, and no! That’s that. A complaint from a teacher
means a month with no computer. Kristina, go see him
during recess, watch him. Mom, I don’t want
Malvina coming to see me. She’ll scare all the girls away. Calm down. Alyona, good morning. Alexei
Leonidovich asked you to drive him. One moment. For God’s sake! I won’t
be your wife, period! Wait. I don’t want your car, I have one
already! What’s the matter with you? Mom, where’s our car? Someone stole my Australia. How much? A thousand. And you pay the expenses. Okay, agreed. … met each other. Three years ago in an interview. You had your jeans rolled up and a
striped shirt with the sleeves unbuttoned. Wow. What are you surprised at? Rolled-up jeans and unbuttoned jeans
look stupid on you, so I remembered. And you were sweating all over
your expensive suit as always. I remember thinking, “what a show-off. “I can see he’s hot, but he still
wears his necktie like a flag.” You haven’t changed
since then, by the way. Which is more than what
I can say about you. Go on, tell me. Nevermind. Tell me. What’s changed about me? Your needs. Three years ago you’d never
demand a thousand dollars for such an easy-peasy job. Easy-peasy? Pretending to
be The Calculator’s wife? You know, if it weren’t
for Kristina and her trip… Okay, okay, fine. Nevermind. – Easy-peasy!
– Alyona! – Okay, what’s the name of…
– Alyona! What are the names of my children? Uh… Anton is eight, Kristina is fifteen. They call me uncle Lyosha. Look, how about we tell
them they’re my children? Yeah, right. I won’t make my kids call a random
man dad, not even for 10 thousand. Okay. On the other hand,
you know, 10 thousand… Okay, stop right there.
Uncle Lyosha is fine. Want some pizza? I’m about
to burst from all this food. You eat that gunk. Okay, the mother? Kapitolina Albertovna. How are things between you? Respectful. I call her on holidays,
give her flowers on weekends. It’s the other way around, isn’t it?
Damn it, I can’t seem to remember. On holidays I give her flowers,
and I call her every weekend. By the way, why am I calling her at all? You’re a family man. Oh, right. Look, are you sure she’s not… She’s in a resort. What, you
want to take her along, as well? It’ll cost you more because… Stop! You pay for the mother.
I have one of my own anyway. Hello. Pay the porters. Wait… Yeah, put it right there. Yeah. Wait a second, are you
moving here for good? No one knows how long your
Coti’s going to be here. We can’t wear the same things. Why is that? Anton can’t sleep in adult beds.
Or maybe you have a nursery? No. Well? Come on, come on. Right here. What are you doing,
opening a toy shop here? What do you think? You
have two kids and no toys. You think Coti’s going to buy this crap? I don’t know, I didn’t have
so many when I was a kid. That’s because you weren’t a
kid, you were a little Calculator. And my children are normal, thank God. – Hi.
– Hi. Stop right there! Where are you… Your kid just stuck out his
tongue at me. You call this normal? In Ethiopia it means, don’t worry,
I’m not plotting against you. What a relief. Okay, Anton, don’t touch that. And what’s this mean? In Socotra it means a friendly
kiss. Anton wants to be a traveler. Okay, don’t touch anything! Anton! Who’s there? Are you going to help
me put the bed together? No! They didn’t teach me
that at Bauman University. What have I done? What’s all this, then? Alyona! Alyona! Uncle Lyosha, she went grocery shopping. Dance with us. Okay, stop this right now! Turn the music off! Damn it. Put it back! Give me the tablet. Stop it! Give him the tablet now! I think the party’s over. I thought it’d never end. How do you do that? Lots of practice. I want your children to be more quiet. I’m not running a nuthouse. You need some kids to show them to Coti. And kids are like that. Yeah… Well, what do you think? Do you want
to start a family with children now? How can I start
something I can’t control? Okay, clean that up, please. I’m not your housemaid. Wait a minute. It was your terrorist
kids that tore everything to pieces! And please, make sure they
behave better next time. This isn’t a dance floor! Before we came over, it was a mausoleum! Who cares, it was my mausoleum!
Do you hear me? My own! Of course, my Mr Mummy. You’ll get any mummy up from the ground. This isn’t a house, it’s a funny farm. Why did I ever… What’s this smell? Liver. We made some with Anton. Alyona, I hate the smell
of food being cooked. You’re not a superhero because
you don’t eat superfood! And you… You keep quiet. Some Natalya called. Said she couldn’t reach you,
she’ll come over tonight. Damn it, totally forgot about that. Okay, Alyona, here’s the
money, please give it to her. And don’t let her into the house. What am I, a courier? What, is it so hard for you to give
her the money and tell her it’s from me? Why do I have to do it?
Sort your own women out. Alyona, what does it have… Who is she, by the way? My ex-wife. Damn it.
Speak of the devil. I’m not here. How can you be so heartless? It’s
your wife! Ex-wife, but still! You lived together, made plans,
wanted to get old together. And now you won’t come say hi to her. Hello. Come in. I’m Alyona, Alexei’s coworker. Interesting dress code you have. Natalya, ex-wife. Just a second. Here you go. He couldn’t do it himself. More like didn’t want to. I know he isn’t exactly
excited to meet me. Don’t worry about it.
Men are all like that. First they say they love
you, then they dump you. And hide from you. Oh, you think he dumped me? You don’t know the
first thing about people. Well, he didn’t want to meet you… Who’d want to in his shoes? I ruined his best years.
I was so stupid! Dumped him for a career. Before he had a chance
to get on his feet. Don’t make the same mistakes. Hold on to the good people. They’re worth it. May I? Well, I still think you
shouldn’t avoid meeting her. I’m sorry. Yeah, I was too quick to judge. But… I didn’t know it was her who dumped you. Okay, that’s it. It’s all in the past. Anyway, it was a good
lesson and I learned it. That’s why I don’t get into
serious relationships anymore. Wow. That’s like going hermit
so you don’t catch a cold. Your preventive medicine
is worse than any disease. Well, that’s the way it is. Well… You can’t protect
yourself from everything. Life is life, you can’t figure
everything out in advance. Who says you can’t? You just have
to know how to control your emotions. Well? Is it working out? Perfectly. Which is
why my life is in order. Yeah, right. A random woman is living in your
house with someone else’s kids. For some time, they’re going
to pretend to be your family. You call this in order? It’s all temporary. In a few days everything
will fall back in place. And in your life… It won’t. And thank God it won’t. Maybe my life is chaotic, but
I won’t have it any other way. Someone stole the car I was going to
sell to send my daughter to Australia. That’s why we’re here. Maybe
someone would say it’s chaos. But to me it’s just a problem
I need to solve. That’s it. I don’t know. I couldn’t live like that. No one’s telling you to. Goodnight. What’s going on? I don’t understand, what’s going on?
Anton, have you lost your mind? It’s 6 in the morning.
What is this cacophony? It’s not kaka and not a phony. This is my accordion.
Grandma gave it to me. That’s great, Anton, but you
see, you aren’t playing it. It feels like you’re
pulling a cat by his… You’re not playing
it is what I’m saying. Yes I am! That’s it! Give it to
me. What a kid, huh? And you have white hair. What? Are you kidding me?
Who are you talking to? Who the hell brought you up? Why are you yelling at a child? Why is he…
Jesus. It’s a nuthouse. Mom, he’s saying I can’t play
it! And you have white hair. Don’t be a snitch. Go brush your teeth. The paint on your finger’s peeling off. Look whom you brought up. Brush your teeth, I said! And don’t you yell at my kids.
Get your own, yell at them. I wouldn’t have to yell at my
kids, they’d know how to behave. Oh, of course, they’d read Economics
and solve accounting problems, huh? Well, at least they wouldn’t play
the accordion at six in the morning! Don’t fret so much,
you’ll get white hair! And you! – Oh, hey.
– Hi. What are you doing, conjuring spirits? No, an aunt from Israel translated
the welcome speech. Here, look. Vazgen, you too. You can break your tongue saying that. Alexei asked to do everything in our
power to make grandpa feel at home. Learn it! Good morning. Morning. Good, you’re on
time. Misha’s waiting outside. We have to drive the kids to school. What, they can’t go themselves? Are you kidding? Kristina,
Anton, wait for me outside, okay? Okay, let’s call a taxi for
them. What’s the problem? I can’t send my kids
away with a stranger! Go with them, then. So you’ll
be late a couple hours, so what? I’ll explain it to the boss somehow. Funny. Except if I go with them, I’ll
be stuck in traffic until at least three. Jesus. Okay, let the kids go with the
driver, you and I are going ourselves. Come on, get ready, we’re late. I’m ready. Wait, are you going to
work looking like that? Like what? I dress like this every day. What’s the problem? Alyona, listen. You almost done? We’re late for school. Yeah, wait a second. Wait. Outside. Look, the company’s fate is in
Coti’s hands now. He’s got to like us. He’s from a religious family. I think
you should wear something more decent. In a pig’s ass! Alyona, I’m begging you.
Just for a couple days. I mean, you’re my wife, act like it. Not gonna happen. Alyona! I’m going to tell you again:
he’s from a religious family, he… They don’t wear jeans! And I’m from Biryulevo! We all wear
jeans, priests and nuns included. You won’t make me wear a
shawl and an ankle-high skirt. Come on, Alyona. No! Mom, uncle Lyosha, why are you arguing? Wait outside! Goddamn it. School For Noble Maidens. David, this is my humble office. Shalom! (SPEAKS HEBREW) Are they drunk? No, of course not! They don’t
drink. They’re just very fun guys. These are my assistants:
Dmitri, Vazgen, Oleg. David. This is Alyona, my wife and assistant. Glad to meet you. Me too. I’ve heard a lot about you. And… Is it okay if I speak Russian? David, let’s go to the conference room. And after the meeting, I know
a nice fish restaurant nearby. Great idea! But I don’t fish. But! On the other side of the street
there’s a great pizza place! We’re going to have
our conference there. Great idea, my wife
and I like pizza a lot. Especially Alexei. He just loves it. Really? Really. Food of the gods! You
know, I just love pizza. It’s unhealthy, fat, but tasty! I’m a fan of pizza. I thought we’d start with distribution. And then, if all goes well, we can… Alexei, enough talking shop. Eat your pizza. Here’s some more. Thank you. Eat it, eat it. That’s right. Thin crust pizza is tastier. Do you know what the secret
of my successful business is? What is it? Eat it, don’t distract yourself. It’s pizza. Really? Good pizza. When I came
to Canada, I had nothing. I had a shirt, one pair of jeans. Nights I unloaded trains, and
days I went to pizza places. And once I cut a pizza
into really thin slices and thought the slices
looked like little crocs. And I thought: what if the hero runs across a marsh and
the crocodiles grab him by the ankles? That was my idea for a game. And only then someone told
me the game would be a hit. Mr Coti, David. You know, my wife
and I rarely make pizza at home. But we’d be really glad
if you visited us sometime. Yeah. Why sometime, Alexei?
Why not do it today? Great idea! Of course. What, did you get a
part in a horror movie? You want me to wear a robe? This is the latest fashion!
All the stars dress like that. You know, that’s their stage personas. They don’t walk the
streets looking like that. Yes they do. Okay, they do. And you’ll wear
whatever you want when you live alone. Walk around naked if you want.
But while you’re living with me, you’ll dress respectably. You’re afraid our grandpa’s
going to have a heart attack? I don’t think grandpa will.
Uncle Lyosha, on the other hand… Okay. I’ll wear jeans. No. You’ll wear the dress
I bought you for New Year’s. But it makes me look like a… Like a human being. Go. I’ll tattle on you to your Coti-Shmoti. Please, do! And say
goodbye to Australia. Our daughter Kristina. Glad to meet you. My friends! I want to thank your great
family for such a warm welcome and drink to our tight, tight
partnership in the future. Nice toast. So, how did you meet each other? Not much to tell, really. Alyona came to me to get a job… Panopticon. Excuse me? When Mom came back from the interview,
she said it was a Panopticon. So that’s how it is. Yes, the office
really was a bit of a mess back then. I had just rented it, so the
renovations weren’t done, you understand. Yes, I understand. And you
instantly fell in love with her? Of course. And how long did you court each other? A month. A year. The thing is, Lyosha always says
that when he was courting me, time flew by him really fast. Of course it did. To get
such a beautiful woman! You know, time really flies
in Moscow. I live in Montreal. It’s a smaller town,
but also very hectic. So I have to take breaks from
it, go to, I don’t know, Cuba. Have you ever been to Cuba? – Yes.
– No. Don’t mention that trip to
Mom. They had such a fight. Yeah, don’t. It’s better to forget it. Kristina, tell me,
what are your hobbies? She’s a Malvina. Yeah, I don’t conform. It’s a youth movement. A subculture. Are you expecting anyone? I don’t think so. Just a
minute, I’ll go take a look. Kristina, dear, what’s new? Visiting someone? First of all, “hello”, young man. Second
of all, I’m looking for my daughter. That’s great, but this isn’t a
private detective firm, can’t help you. Wait. They have me the
address in your office. Okay. My daughter is Alyona Vishnevskaya. But you’re at that resort. Not anymore, as you can see.
And I don’t have the house keys, either. Call Alyona, please. One moment. Alyona, your mom’s in the corridor. That can’t be, she’s at the resort. You have two moms, then, because one
of them is standing in my corridor! It would be great if you
somehow get rid of her. One moment. What are you doing here? You’re
supposed to be at the resort. It’s full of old people, they’re
everywhere. Scleroses and gouts. I want to go home. By the
way, what are you doing here? Why didn’t you call me? I wanted to surprise you! Well, you succeeded. Wait a second, I’ll bring
you the keys and the cab fare. Right this second. Grandma! Anton! Grandma! Anton! What’s going on here, can’t
I talk to my own grandson? – Mom…
– Hello! Hello. See? There’s a gentleman. My name is Kapitolina Albertovna. I’m this young lady’s mother. Mother? I thought you were her sister. Older sister. David. Glad to meet you. What are we standing in the
corridor for? We have a great dinner! Your daughter is a
great, wonderful cook. David, David, I think Kapitolina
Albertovna was just going home. Really? I’d gladly grab a bite. Because
the food was awful at the resort. Like a Soviet mess hall. Hey, Kristina. Okay, what’s going on here? What can I do about it? Nice son-in-law
you have here! Young, successful, and,
apparently, a good father. What do you
mean son-in-law? Yeah, really, what do
you mean son-in-law? To our Mom I’m just
a son, not an in-law. Excuse me, what do you mean? Mom… Kapitolina Albertovna! What? What? David, the thing is, Mom’s very tired.
She traveled 200 kilometers to get here. I’m not tired at all.
What is this circus? All right, I’m going
home. Where are my things? You’re crazy! I don’t
want any part in that. Mom, it’s my company
as well, in some sense. I invested so much effort in it. Not my business. Don’t bother asking. Whatever you want! Just help us. Whatever I want? David, I’m so, so sorry. Alexei and I have our
differences sometimes. What family doesn’t? Right, son? Right, Mom. I understand, I understand, Kappy. What have you done to her? Promised to set up old
people yoga at home. Good job. What resourcefulness. Your home. The climate is very whimsical in Moscow. Yeah. But I don’t think that’ll
get in the way of a little picnic. Old Russian custom – an
outdoor picnic. Tomorrow. It’s a good idea. Our family
loves picnics as well, by the way. Kapitolina, will you be joining us? Excuse me, I’ll borrow my
wife for a minute there. What? You try to kiss me again and
I’ll punch in the monitor. Got it? Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Just
please, don’t get in their way. Can’t you see? Let them
flirt. They like each other. What are you, crazy? What’s wrong? Let them flirt! Maybe the
contract’ll get signed faster that way. She’s my mom, you goddamn
accountant! What if she falls for him? What? Why would she fall
for him? What is she, Juliet? She definitely looks older than 14. Sometimes I just want to strangle you. Well, here we are. Wonderful. Kapitolina and I have
been waiting on you for a long time. She agreed to go with us. You lame Malvina, give me the ball! Someone’s about to get some. All right, quiet. Kristina, Anton! Look, I’ll go play with them
before they kill each other. Mom! Cut the cucumbers, please. Uncle Lyosha, come join us! Anton, I can’t, I’ll burn the kebab. Come on, go. Go, go, go. Thank you. Well, here I am with you. Aren’t you cold? I dive into ice holes every winter. I admire you. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s not scary at all. You just
need to make the first step. It’s like everything in life. You’re
afraid of something, afraid of starting it, then you do it, and – what
exactly were you afraid of, again? You’re a brave woman. You’re flattering me. Kapitolina Albertovna. You can call me Kapa. He’s a great guy,
your son-in-law. Maybe, he’s not the most decisive
one, but I think it’ll pass. You think? How about we make it first-name basis? No problem. I thought we’d only
get there by morning. 50 kilometers an hour. You don’t get much
more careful than that. If I weren’t careful, I’d be dead. And the brave one would be
left with a bunch of kids. There you go, Kristina. Yes, Katya? Wait a second. Calm down, tell
me exactly what’s happening. Have you called the
hospital? The police? Calm down. Calm down, I’m coming. Yeah. Bye. Wait a second, where is it you’re going? Look, a friend’s dad is missing. He left this morning and
hasn’t gotten back yet. Won’t pick up the phone, either. And how are you supposed to help? What do you mean how am I
supposed to help? I’m her friend! She’s got no one at
all except me and dad. And? Wait a second,
what about the children? Look after them. Mom’ll help you. You’re crazy! Alexei, Alyona called, asked
to tell you she’d be late. Anton could come to you
and ask to sit in his room. Don’t agree to do it. He’s
still afraid to sleep alone, we have to teach him to
fall asleep in the dark. Okay. Anything else? What? Don’t you see you’re duping a good man and hiding behind my
daughter and her kids? Just a minute, what do
you mean, hiding behind? Am I trying to protect myself
from a bombing with them? In fact, what’s so terrible about Alyona and
the kids playing their little parts? And for a hefty sum, at that. You do understand they’ll
have to come home after it? Of course they will. How else can it be? Of course. Where else would they go? And the fact that my grandkids have
taken to you doesn’t bother you at all. Wait a second, why would it bother me? What, did I domesticate
them or something? I just asked Alyona and the kids to
play the part of my family, that’s it! There is no part like that! You can’t
pretend to be one’s family… Alexei. Okay. Where was I? Uncle Lyosha, I want to go to sleep. A wise decision. Go lie down
and take your grandma with you. Grandma won’t come with me. And I can’t sleep alone,
I’m afraid of the dark. What do you propose we do? Come be in the room with me, please. No. Out of the question. Firstly,
I have a lot of work to do. Secondly, you’re a big boy now, it’s
time you’ve learned to sleep by yourself. Grandma said the same thing! You’re all so high and mighty, like
you’ve never been afraid of the dark! You know, when I was a kid,
I was afraid of the dark, too. So your mom would sit with you? No. I was living with my
grandma and grandpa in Ukraine. My mom worked a lot, so
she handed me over to them. So your grandma would be with you? I had a very strict grandpa.
He wouldn’t let Grandma come into my room. And you didn’t cry? I did, to be honest. And grandpa would get mad and
make me solve math problems. He was a math teacher. You didn’t like solving them? Why not? I liked numbers since I was
little. But not every night! You see, sometimes I’d really
want dad to come into my bedroom, hug me and give me a bow.
I had always wanted a nice bow. But granddad was against the
idea, he thought it would spoil me. I think your granddad loved you. He just gave you problems to solve
to distract you from the dark. I think so, too. I’d give a lot for granddad
to walk into the room with his textbooks and math problems. He’s dead? Isn’t he? Okay, go to sleep now. Do you have a problem for me to solve? One minute. Look, here’s an Einstein problem. Hey. Hey. Get on. Here’s
the helmet. Shall we go? Yep. You’re going where, exactly? I’m not. I just went out to say hi. Wait for me at the door. Don’t let me ever see you
with my daughter again. Got me? Got it, got it, I’m not dumb. Good boy. Sleeping like a baby. Math is a great science, after all. I gave him a problem to
solve. My granddad would do it. Would you imagine, he
fell asleep instantly. What a great method.
Maybe we should patent it. Alyona? What’s wrong? Kristina, go to your room. What’s wrong? You don’t
look like yourself. And you don’t look very smart. Easy now, I’m still your
boss. And I got Anton to sleep. While you were busy with Anton, Kristina almost went for a
bike ride with some dumbass. Alyona, I’m not their nanny.
I can’t watch them all. But she’s a teenager, don’t you see?
You have to watch them at all times. Jesus, again I’m the guilty one. You’re not guilty. It’s
not your family, after all. You tucked Anton in, so
there’s that, at least. Some day. Yeah. Not the best I’ve had. Got anything stronger? Got you. Yeah. Wow! Can I have a look? Please. “To Alexei Konovalov, participant
of the Galyorka theater group, “for flawless acting as Ivan Bezdomny
in the play Master and Margarita.” What is it, a joke? A joke? Why? You know, if I told anyone at work
that our Calculator played Ivan Bezdomny in a school play, no
one would believe me. First of all, not in school, in
college. Second of all, it was easy. I contracted the emotional
algorithm of Ivan Bezdomny. I see now. What? You actually bought it, didn’t you? You tricked me! Whoa, I’m still your boss. You’re not a boss, you’re a provocateur! How’s our grandpa, by the way? The missing one. Oh. They still haven’t found him. We want
to go around all the nearby hospitals. Maybe he’s in one of them. I just don’t know what
to do with the work. Really? That’s bad. Things around the office will
be really hard without you. I don’t even know how
we’re going to manage. The terrible thing is, there’s
absolutely no one who could replace you. Yeah, well, don’t worry,
we’ll figure something out. Tricked me again! You need a couple more certificates. “For outstanding success in the
fields of sadism and flattery.” Let’s drink to that. Good morning, Alexei. My, friends, this is Alexei. He was nice enough to offer
his place for our meetings. Alexei, I made cheese pancakes,
eat them while they’re hot. Thank you, I’m not hungry. What do you mean? You must eat some! Kapitolina Albertovna,
I very rarely eat at home. I prefer to not do any
exercise here, either. What’s the matter with him? I think I’ll go. Yeah, me too. There you go, you kicked everyone out. You can’t be like that with people. I never invited them. Well, you invited us.
And they are our friends. Actually, what am I talking about,
you’ve never heard the word friends. Why not? I have. At the
Management Institute. In management theory friendship is the
easy way to get everything at a low cost. I seriously doubt it that you’ve
ever had friends. You’re a walking… Calculator! I know! Not
exactly rocket science! What are you yelling for? What do you want from me? Why
is everyone trying to lecture me? What am I, a construction kit you
can put together from parts? Huh? Look at yourselves. The daughter is trying to bring
up two kids with no husband. The senile mom is trying to have a fling
with a traveling Canadian businessman. Yeah, right, great ethics there. You don’t know anything about us.
You won’t speak of us that way. My daughter was the perfect wife. It’s not her fault her husband
left her for a young trainee. And I think that I, as well, have learned the right to
have a fling, as you put it. Even if David leaves forever, I’ll always remember these few days
of happiness with great fondness. And you have nothing to remember. Because you think you’ll
do everything tomorrow. What if tomorrow never arrives? There you go. “I don’t eat
at home, I don’t eat at home.” Tastes great, doesn’t it? Yes, to be honest, it does. In fact, I haven’t had such a
great weekend in a long time. Really? How long have you been doing yoga? About ten years. And you can do the, uh, sirasana? Sirsasana. I can. Really? I simply couldn’t do it. Yoga isn’t a set of exercises,
yoga is a philosophy. Alexei, I want to thank
you for a great time. Don’t mention it, David. A great
time? A dinner and a weekend… I’m sure that over in Canada
you rest much more dynamically. Not strictly so. Over in Canada I don’t get to see
anything except the walls of my office. In fact, I stopped having vacations
ever since the death of my wife. And now I think I was wrong to. Life goes by. I very rarely get to see my son. He’s the head of the department,
he has his own life, family, kids. And you became my family
in this very short time. Thank you, David. You know, I’ve been meaning
to ask you something. Yes? Maybe it’s none of my business,
but I couldn’t help but notice… You and my… You and Kapitolina Albertovna
have… Have a kind of a friendship. You know, she’s a very sensitive
and a bit peculiar woman. I wanted to ask you not
to make any rash decisions. Alexei, it is wonderful that you
care about your mother-in-law. God forbid! I cannot and don’t
want to hurt her in any way. Thank you. Well, here, the lawyers
have drawn up the contract. Okay, okay, careful. There’s
definitely one behind the tree. See? Told you. Grab the gun. Let’s go.
Kill them. Come on, come on. Well? Where are you… There you go, good job.
See? Did you see that? We aren’t playing Mario here. Got it. Excuse me. Not a moment of peace. Hello. What do you mean, she left?
Where? Okay, okay, got it. Has something come up? I’m sorry, David, but
Kristina left somewhere. I wouldn’t worry, she’s an adult now. She’s a big girl, yeah,
but some biker’s wooing her, and I think he thinks
she’s an adult, too. Be back soon. Nikita’s folks went to their
dacha. He had a birthday last night, they gave him 500 bucks. We
could go and have a killer party. Let’s go. I can’t, my mom will kill me. Oh come on, your mom?
Let’s go for an hour. I’ll have you back here in an hour.
Let’s go, she won’t notice a thing. Come on. I’ll bring you back in an
hour. Come on, you’re telling yourself… No, Dan, I’m not ready. No. Get away from her. Huh? She said no. Are you
retarded or something? What? Who the hell are you? You come near her again and I’ll
break both your legs. Got it? I’ll remember you. And don’t
you come close to me, jackass. Damn it. Come on, what are you frowning about? I think I’m supposed to be sad. What for? What do you mean what for? You
just took my private life apart. Now Dan won’t come close to me. Well, to hell with him. What do you mean? You don’t
understand, look how beautiful he is. Beautiful? He’s cute, pretty-faced.
Can’t you see the difference? You are beautiful. I don’t care. You know
who his friends are? He has a friend named Nikita,
his parents are politicians. And he also has biker friends, one
of them has even done time. Cool, huh? What’s cool about having criminal
friends? Or politician parents. Of course, it’s cool. But “cool”
is doing something yourself. Right? Like, for example, uncle Coti
started a huge business. Is that cool? Definitely. Or take your mom. What about Mom? What do you mean what about Mom? Mom brought you two up
all the while having a job. She’s one of the best programmers
in Moscow, at that. Is that cool? It’s cool. It’s cool. As you kids
say, it’s the bee’s knees. I had no idea my mom was so cool. Of course you didn’t. So, being cool isn’t about your
looks or a bike someone gave you, and definitely not the ability
to fast talk like your Dan does. Being cool is about being productive
and responsible for your actions. You see? And your mom will give
anyone a run for their money in that. Yeah. Uncle Lyosha, you fell
for her, didn’t you? For whom? You know for whom. What is that nonsense? We
just have a work relationship. What was that about being
responsible for your actions? Okay, wait a second. First of
all, I never said I was cool. Second of all, let’s go already,
we’ve taken our sweet time talking. Uncle Lyosha, please don’t
tell Mom anything about Dan. She doesn’t like him. I don’t, either. Okay. So, did you find your grandpa? Yep. He went for a walk,
tripped and broke his leg. They took him to a hospital and he
couldn’t remember his phone number. Good. It’s okay, the doctors are
saying he’ll get well soon. Tell me what you did to my mother. Not guilty. What does the DA say? The DA says you charmed her in one day.
Now she refuses to call you Calculator. Too bad. I was just getting
used to the nickname. Don’t you worry, the others
won’t stop calling you that. Okay, give me the child. Quiet. I’ll bring him myself. I’m normal, not gray-haired at all. Okay, it’s getting
late. It’s my bedtime. What was that? It’s my bedroom! Who cares! What was that? What was what? Don’t play dumb with
me. You just kissed me! Well, sorry. Sorry? You mean, first you kiss a
woman, then you run and hide like a boy that was bad,
and you say sorry, to boot? Look, why do you always run? Aren’t you in the least interested
what’s going to happen next? Alyona, I know what’s going
to happen next. Chaos is. Just like with my ex-wife. You come home and you don’t
know what you’ll find there. Your mood changes several times a day. I’ve been trying to get my life
in order for seven years now. And just in a couple days
you turned it upside down! There, I’m already friends with
your mom and I like your kids. But I’m not ready! Do
you understand? Not… Stop it. Alyona, what are you doing? Okay, the contract with Coti
is getting signed today, right? Which means there’s no
need for us anymore, right? Alyona, wait… Is there or isn’t there? Mom, we’re… Here. Take it to the car. No. Well, if there isn’t a
need for us, we’re leaving. Every condition of the
contract has been met. And I’m asking you to
leave my family alone. No! “No” what? Not every condition. Wait. Thank you for a great
job. You’ve done very well. Here is your pay. There, now it’s done. You can close the door on your way out. You got gray hair. Hey! Hello? Alyona, you left your money. What do you mean, you
don’t need anything from me? You earned it fair and square.
You have to take the money. What the hell do you mean,
resignation? I won’t sign it! I don’t give a damn if there’s no
slavery anymore, I won’t sign it! That’s it! Take your money! Some woman. Mom, are you crying? No. Just water in my eye. Of course, there’s chloride
in it. Makes your eyes red. What a smart daughter I’ve got. I’m afraid to look away. Hello, David. Oh, hello, Alexei! Will you have breakfast with me? With pleasure. In fact, I have to talk with you. Is it going to take long? Well… Coffee, please. I don’t even know where to start. The beginning. I don’t understand why
you had to go through all that trouble with the fake family. What do you mean, why? Wikipedia
says you were born in Lubavichi. So? What do you mean, so? It
says your father was a rabbi. I thought you’d never agree to do
business with a 40-year-old single guy. What’s so funny? Alexei, I ran away from
home when I was fifteen! Besides, I’m agnostic and I love pork! Okay, what happened after that? You know, it was such a mess after that. Well… Great story. But have no idea why
you’re telling me all this. I want you to know Alyona
and I have never had a family. You sure about that? Dear Mr Coti, I’m so sorry
about trying to fool you. And about the unmet expectations. Besides, I don’t think our
companies are merging now. Why don’t you want to merge them? Thing is, Alyona quit, and
it’s just pointless without her. So I ask your forgiveness. It was a stupid idea to begin with. That’s it. To hell with it all. I’ll design websites. After
all, I make good money that way. You see, David, I don’t want
the company without Alyona. Well, tell her that. I have, a hundred times
now. She won’t talk to me. You know what, my dear Alexei?
Let’s not talk about this nonsense. We have a nice noble thing going.
You and I are going to make games! Besides, Byte is your baby. How can you abandon a
baby if a woman leaves you? I say you take a vacation. Meanwhile,
I’ll lead Byte in your absence. I completely forgot how to lead a
small company while leading a giant one. Wait a second, what am I to do? Do a headstand. Excuse me? Do you know the Indian fable
about Don Juan and The Magic Deer? No, never heard of it. Once upon a time the paths of
Don Juan and The Deer crossed. Regular people would get scared
when they met The Magic Deer, and, in the end, they
would become his victims. And if there was a hunter in its path, he would grab his weapon
and kill The Magic Deer. But Don Juan decided to go his own way. He did a headstand and started crying. The Deer walked up to him and asked,
“Why are you crying, Don Juan?” “Because I’m sad.” And? Indians have a very
strange sense of humor. But Don Juan is right about one thing: if you want to catch a miracle
or get back the woman you love, you need to do a headstand. Yeah. How do you… Listen, David, I have a favor to ask. Oh, Alyona, good day. Hello, Galina Vasilyevna. How are you? Okay. All’s good. You have guests. I told you to leave my family
alone! And to stay out of our… Hello. Well, if you’re against it, I’m leaving. We’re learning one of the main
positions. The Hero position. I’m sorry, Alyona. Oh, no, I’m sorry. Excuse me, it’s just… Hey, Mom. Well, I called,
they do have tickets. If you get a two-way
one, there’s a discount. Wait a second. What tickets? What do you mean? The ones to Australia. Oh, Kristina, Australia’s going
to have to wait, you understand. I asked her to make the call. It’s just that I’m a filthy rich old
man and I wanted to make you happy. I want to pay for the trip. I’ll lend the money to you, of course.
And you’ll pay me back when you can. You’re a real yogi. I don’t know… Only if you lend it to me. Yes! Hooray! I’m going to Australia! Thank you, Mommy. Grandma. Who’s there? Who’s there? It’s me. Here, brought you the documents. One minute. Alyona. Dear Alyona. What is this nonsense, huh? Alyona, I’m an idiot. I acted like a scared little boy. I can’t be forgiven. Because… Where is?.. Hello, Kapitolina Albertovna. Alyona asked me to get the documents. I get it. How’s things, Alyosha? Thank you. No complaints. How’s your mood? Great. Damn it, who am I kidding? I feel awful. Alyona won’t take my calls. Damn it, she won’t even come
out to get the documents. I feel like a leper. What, don’t I deserve a second chance? Yeah, yeah, I was an idiot. Yeah, I was a heartless jackass. But
even death row inmates get a last smoke! Why won’t she come
out just to talk to me? Calm down! Why should I calm down? Even you told me you can’t afford
to miss a single chance in life. Life’s too short. What
now? Who’s missing it, then? I need a family.
Apparently, she doesn’t. How’s your health? Are you kidding me? Do you jog in the mornings? No, I don’t! Too bad. My yoga teacher
tells everyone to jog. Kapitolina Albertovna, what does
jogging have to do with anything? We all jog. Some of us roller-skate, some bike. There’s a park nearby. There’s a park nearby. And what time does your yoga
teacher recommend you jog? He says 9 in the
morning is the best time. Nine. Good. Thank you. The dog swims face up. Alyona, Alyona, wait, please. I’m begging you, listen to me.
Please, just listen to me! Alyona, listen. I’ve understood a lot since you left. My life was quieter before you came, but in reality, I was very
lonely. You know, like in the dark. I don’t want to live alone
in that house anymore. I don’t want to be afraid
of the dark anymore. Please, give me another chance. Please. Come back. Sure. I’ll come back. When the crayfish whistles on the mount. Alyona, Alyona, Alyona. Well, uncle Lyosha? Did she forgive you? She said she’d come back when the
crayfish whistles on the mount. Too bad. Yeah. What are you so sulky
about? She didn’t say no. – You bought everything?
– Yeah. How are you? – Fine.
– Let’s go. Come in. We have about three hours. I talked to Grandma, she managed
to talk Mom into taking a walk. Of course, Mom wouldn’t give in,
but Grandma talked her into it. Anton and I “went roller-skating.” Remember, I’m lying to
my own mother for you. – Got it.
– Well? Right. There you go. Anton, Anton, wake up.
I hope it all works out. That’s it? We didn’t forget anything? No. That’s it. Until tomorrow. Bye. Uncle Lyosha, this is for you.
To get Mom right in the heart. Thank you. My dreams are coming true. Kristina, why did you drag us here?
Are we going to roller-skate here? Mom, don’t fret.
Look how beautiful it is. Jesus, what a view. Yeah, agreed. Well, I lost the whistle. You blockheads. Him, I get, he’s a kid.
But you? You’re a full grown man. What do you mean, full
grown man? Can’t you see? I’m a crayfish who
whistled on the mount. Didn’t do a very good job at it. Well, I whistled as best I could. Now you have to come
back like you promised. How can I come back to
you if you’re a crayfish? I’m not just a crayfish. I’m
a crayfish in love with you. Come back already, the whole gang. I can’t live without you. What about your precious
order? You know my family. Why would you need chaos? To hell with order! Chaos
is what’s missing in my life. After all, I’m a crayfish.
Why would crayfish need order? What? “What” what? Kiss him!
Everyone’s waiting. Who’s everyone? Us. Us. And us. And them over there. David handed the reins of the
united company over to me and Alyona, and he himself started having extensive
yoga lessons with Kapitolina Albertovna. Now they’re getting
ready to move to Goa. Kristina left her subculture and dreams
of being in with the cool kids for good. Now she’s friends with a guy her age,
even though she barely has time for dates. She dreams of being a dress
designer and making clothes. Anton isn’t afraid of the dark anymore, and has no trouble going to
sleep alone, looking at the stars. Besides, he now has a job. Anton spends an hour and a
half a day testing our games. Sometimes I think he’s the most
useful employee of our company. And Alyona and I are
heads of Infinity Game. Even though Alyona doesn’t
exactly have time for it: she’s on the seventh month, after all. But she stubbornly refuses
to take maternity leave. She says programmers are above it.