Inside Amy Schumer – Workout Instructor

Inside Amy Schumer – Workout Instructor


she is the best trainer
I’ve ever had. Perfect, I need this. I’ve been so bad lately. Good afternoon, ladies. Oh, I see some of you are back
for more, love it. Let’s get started, warm-ups,
jumping jacks, you know ’em, you love ’em. This is not
an exercise class. This is a funeral for
the fat you, okay? Let me tell you
something. You will not be missed. By the time
you leave here, your titties are gonna be
squirting Muscle Milk. Is that something you’re
interested in– I am. All right, keep eye contact
with yourself in the mirror, look at who you are. Is that who
you want to be? Let’s get to know each other
while we’re here today. Maybe after. That’s good, ladies. Bring it down for the step
and touch, step and touch. Great heat
coming off your broiler. People tell you that? No, nope,
no one’s ever. I think we can
turn up the temp.
Whoa! All right, look, I’m not
gonna mince words with you, sweethearts–
this workout is hard. You will be a weapon
with a pussy on it. Hey. I like this, you didn’t
have this last time. Okay, squat it down. Hold it here. Go lower. By the time you leave here, you will literally be
unrapeable. That’s right. All right, ladies,
forehead planks. Get down, hit it, hit it. Hit it! Keep it down. This does technically violate
the Geneva Convention. Waterboarding my clit, this
is the real torture right here. This is the real torture! A lot of people
don’t know, this is the exercise that broke
up Anne Heche and Ellen. Maybe you didn’t
know they were together, that was a big news item
for a while. Do not tweet that, I should
not have even said that. That is not– That’s privileged information,
forget I said that. Just hold it down here,
okay, hold it down! If you commit to this
workout here today, your abs are
gonna be so tight, you won’t be able to
have children. Maybe your boyfriend’s
cool with that. I don’t know, maybe
you don’t have a boyfriend. Maybe you’re of
a different persuasion. I’m sorry? Kegel! Here we go. Draw your vagina in
and hold it so tight so you could, like, rip a dick
in half, you know, or some other metaphor
that’s more personal to you. You doing ’em?
Yep. Really?
Yes, I am. ‘Cause you know, if you cheat,
you’re only cheating yourself. I know, that’s why
I’m doing them. I mean, I’ll check,
it’ll be my pleasure. Oh, okay.
Now you’re doing ’em. I want to tell you guys
a little story, okay, a story about
a little fat girl, a little fat girl with
a heart of gold. All she wanted to do
is eat Dunkaroos and watch “DuckTales.” I punched her in the face
because she was a pussy! I hope there aren’t
any pussies in here, ’cause I eat pussy
for breakfast. She eats pussies
for breakfast. Do what she says!
Pussy. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know we
were talking. Is this HBO’s
“In Treatment”? Is that what you
think this is? I don’t think it’s HBO’s
“In Treatment.” Oh no, what do you
think it is? I’d love to hear
what think it is. You’ve got my attention, what
are you gonna do about it? Whoa! Whoa, stay away from my window,
Melissa Etheridge. Chill it out right now. I’m so sorry,
I think we–
Wrong team. I think I misunderstood. I’m a dick lady. I love dick. That’s what I do–
Tons of dick. Round-the-clock dick,
dick parade. Anyway,
everybody line up. Uterus thrusts, okay. And I don’t want you to feel
weird about what just happened when you just tried
to kiss me. Okay, here we go, don’t be
a stranger to the person in front of you. Thrust it, feel it, okay? Okay, that’s enough,
that’s– that’s good. Keep it just moving
around the room, okay. Keep it moving
around the room.