Tag: humor

How to Be Pretty When You Are Fat

Oh, wow, you look great! What did you do? Not much, why? Not much? You look like you’ve lost 20 pounds or had cosmetic surgery or … something. What did you do? I read about several ways to be pretty when you are fat. Then I followed the advice. Obviously, it’s an improvement. What did […]

Types of People in Horror Movies

Forget about all your stresses and laugh with me for a few minutes. *magic rainbow unicorn noises ayeee* What up everyone it’s your girl Superwoman, and if you know anything about me You know I love horror movies mostly because when I say horror movies people think I’m saying “whore” movies And that’s just like […]

Trump’s August Retreat

-Oh, you guys, it was a beautiful weekend here in New York City. Wasn’t it? -Oh, gorgeous. -Yeah, it was so nice, the prison guards watching Jeffrey Epstein’s cell left for hours to have a picnic. -Oh. [ Laughter ] -A lot of Epstein fans out there? Yeah. [ Laughter ] But everybody’s enjoying the […]

NAKED AND AFRAID

I’m not naked. I’m nude. Shut up! Man, thanks again for letting me stay at your crib. Yeah, of course man. Anytime! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I think you got the wrong idea brother. Relax man, I’m gonna be on this show naked and afraid. Well, unless there’s a naked girl for me. I think I […]

Ampu-Prancercising: A fitness workout for amputees

**upbeat music** **cold silence** **upbeat music** Ampu-prancercising. When I ampu-prancercise, my body ascends to a new plane of existence. The amount of fucks I give is reduced to approximately negative 17. Here is now to ampu-prancercise. Step 1: Go outside. Step 2: dance around. Step 3: let go of any earthly worries that people are […]

“I Wanna Go To Chick Fil A”

(sound of treadmill) I want to go to Chick-Fil-A, Chick-Fil-A, call the ladies Let’s go to Chick-fil-A, Chick-fil-A grab your babies We’re going to Chick-Fil-A, Chick-Fil-A, no maybes Hello Chick-Fil-A, Chick-Fil-A Yeah it’s pretty clear why we go to Chick-Fil-A. We’re treated like royalty here, sometimes go twice a day Cause’ we got that lifestyle […]

Sophia the Robot and Jimmy Sing a Duet of “Say Something”

-This is “Tonight Showbotics.” Let’s meet our first robot. Please welcome from M.I.T., Sangbae Kim and the Mini Cheetah. [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you. Good to see you. [ Chuckles ] Oh, my God. Okay, all right. First of all — Wow, okay. This thing is amazing. What is it, and why did […]

Toddlerography w/ Gisele Bündchen

GISELE, I KNOW WE’RE BOTH IN AMAZING SHAPE, I HEARD THIS CLASS IS INSANE.>>I THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT.>>James: NO, NO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, THESE INSTRUCTORS THEY’RE CRAZY, THEY’RE BRUTAL.>>WHO ARE THE INSTRUCTORS?>>James: (LAUGHTER) I TOLD YOU. BRUTAL. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I JUST CAN’T DESNIE. ♪ ♪ WE FIND LOVE. ♪ WE FOUND […]

Toddlerography w/ Jennifer Lopez

>>James: I KNOW YOU THINK YOU’RE A GREAT DANCER, BUT THIS CLASS IS GOING TO MAKE YOU RETHINK EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT DANCE.>>I THINK I’LL BE FINE, JAMES.>>James: NO, THE INSTRUCTORS ARE NIGHTMARES.>>WELL, THEY’RE LATE.>>James: YEAH, THEY KIND OF WORK TO THEIR OWN SCHEDULE.>>WHO ARE THE INSTRUCTORS?>>James: DON’T EVEN LOOK HIM IN THE […]

James Joins Mark Wahlberg’s 4am Workout Club

IT’S 2:00 IN THE MORNING, I JUST WOKE UP, AND I’M GOING TO WORK OUT WITH MARK WAHLBERG. IT IS 10 TO 3:00 IN THE MORNING, ACCORDING TO MARK WAHLBERG’S INSTAGRAM SCHEDULE. HE’S PRAYING RIGHT NOW. AND SO AM I, I’M PRAYING HE CANCELS. I MEAN, I NEVER SEEN THESE ROADS SO QUIET. I MEAN, […]