the PUFF n’ FLUFF

the PUFF n’ FLUFF


[SLAP] [Amy] Give me a b–give me a bigger– [Mark] OW! [Amy] (gasps) OH NO! [Mark] I just cardboard-cutted myself! oooo!! o o o o O O O O O O ! ! ! Happy Thanksgiving, y’all. This is the Puff n’ Fluff. Now, the Puff n’ Fluff is an “As Seen on TV” product that guarantees that you are gonna get your dog dry– (bap!) –in minutes. Voted Top 10… …Dog Dryers of 2016. Top 10! Fun Fact about dogs: (reading) “Dogs Love the Circulating Warm Air.” (bap) (bap) (bap) (bap) (continues tapping in the background while thinking about life and existence) Also: “Attach virtually any blow-dryer.” (more box-tapping) That’s gonna come in handy. If there was ever a thing called foreshadowing on YouTube, that is– (the maniacal laughter of a man who has seen things and honestly has nothing left to lose at this point… What have we done to you, Mark, please come back to us War has changed you Think of the children–) –foreshadowing. (Darkiplier laughter) So, the Puff n’ Fluff requires: one dog, a lot of water… …and the Puff n’ Fluff. [Mark, off-camera] And the blow dryer. And that dog. [Mark, gently] Chica! [Mark, singing] Chica~! [Mark, singing] The Bica~! The Chi– [Mark, in normal tone] Chica. C’mere. [Mark, resuming singing] Chica~! [Mark, normally] Well, that’s Henry. [Mark] Say hi to Henry, everybody. (badass metal riff for good boi Henry) [Mark, singing again] The squeak-a~! The Bica~! The Chic– (grunts of immense strain) –a~! Now. The Puff–
[Henry, off-camera]: (whimpering) [Henry]: (is good boi) [Mark]: The Puff n’ Fluff… (through laughter) Look at this face. Th- (laughter) That is the saddest face I’ve ever seen on a pup– (more laughter at Chica’s expense lol) All right anyway so–ah, Chica, you heavy…You heavy, girl! You heavy– get ready! It’s bath time! (various grunts and pants) Okay… (aggressive grunt) (more exhausted panting) And call attention to this–this little picture. I don’t know if you can zoom in enough to actually see it. That is– That is hilarious. You can tell it’s hilarious by how much I’m laughing at it. (silence as Chica pants) (humourlessly) Heh. You guys didn’t come here to see Chica get bathed, so I’m just gonna– Oh, Chica, you gotta get naked. Cue the sexy music! [totally sexy background music that’s definitely not Africa by Toto played terribly on a recorder] [Mark] Cut the sexy music. Can you, uh, do nothing? I guess? (in a weird voice) C-come close- come closer. I would also like to take this time to… bring attention to a very underrated and struggling channel. (Henry whimpers off camera) I know, it’s sad. Shut up. [Mark, off camera] Shut up, Henry! Stop whining like a little BITCH! Anyway. I’d like to bring attention to this channel. They need your help, and they need your help now. I’ve linked them in the description… T-Series. They desperately, desperately, desperately need your subscription. (BIG HECKIN B A P) T-Series makes wholesome content for everybody to enjoy. Good, quality content. The world around needs to see more of T-Series, and you need it in your life. (deathly serious tone) Help them. Help them now. They’re struggling. They need your help. Links in the description. Buy Cloak. [Mark]: Ready?
[SFX]: (big heckin dog whine) Cue the Casey Neistat time-lapse. (Amy wiggles the camera) (Mark laughing) (sarcastically) Oh yeah! Casey N- CAsey NEIstAt, Is thAt yOu??? WOAH-HO-HO-HO! Chica, what do you think? [Totally Chica’s Real Voice] I think you should subscribe to PewDiePie. [Mark] Good girl. I’d like to bring you guys at home the smell-o-vision of what’s happening right now. (sniffs) Oh! Eucalyptus! (sniffs again) Ah, mint julep! (another big sniff) Augh! Is that boysenberry? Smells like grandma’s Thanksgiving dinner which is (laughs) kimchi and rice. My grandma’s Korean! [Chica, Not Text-To-Voice] PewDiePie needs your support. Subscribe subscribe subscribe subs- [Mark] Chica, what would you think if I just shaved ‘T-Series’… into the side of your fur right here? [Chica] Please don’t. [Mark] Would you be proud? [Chica] Not proud. No, no. [Mark] Breathe heavily if you would be proud. Henry, how about you? [Henry] No way, José. PewDiePie for life. [Mark] You gonna subscribe to T-Series? Don’t you run away from me, Henry. [Henry] Screw you. [Mark] DON’T YOU RUN AWAY FROM ME. Alright now, Chica… I gotta get your undercarriage okay? Nothing personal. I’m about to get all up in your business. (mechanical whirring sounds and loud banging as Mark scrubs his dog) [Mark] What makes this funny is the sound effects I’m adding at this one point. (whirring sfx continues) Ha hA HA ha! [Henry] Listen to me. Mark is dumb and doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Help PewDiePie right now. Link in bio. [Mark] Casey Neistat? Casey? [Henry] help help help help [Mark] CASEY! [Henry] helphelphelphelp [Mark] Casey come back! CASEY!! [Henry] help help help help help help help [Mark] That’s my bad. Not being a- AAH! NOOOOOOO– Two can play at that game Chica! (spits) It’s begun to drain. I’m gonna get up in that business. (mechanical clanging sfx returns) A callback’s when I bring back a joke from before! (new sci-fi sound effects) [Mark] Haha, sound effects! Fast forward to the part where it’s actually important. (montage music) [Mark] You want lamb liver? Chica! Lamb- lamb liver? Good girl, good girl. Good girl! Almost done! [Amy] Henry doesn’t get lamb liver? [Mark] Why would Henry get lamb liver? Henry’s on a strict diet ’cause he keeps rocketing liquid poop out his butt! [Amy] Not anymore… [Mark] Yes anymore! [Amy] Kind of… [Mark] KIND OF? No lamb liver. [Henry] I am upset. [Mark] No. [Henry] I feel excluded. [Mark] No lamb liver! [Henry] This isn’t fair! [Mark] No! [Henry] You suck the big- [Mark] No lamb liver! [Henry] You are just jealous that PewDiePie has more subscribers than you. [Mark] Soon as you stop trying to make your own space program outta poop, THEN get lamb liver. [Henry] You are a saint. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love- [Mark] Bath mats are for civilized ladies. And what are you? Repeat after me. A ci-vil-ized la-dy. [Chica] Subscribe to Pewdiepie. [Mark] Now stay on- (grunting) (through grunts) Stay on the mat! Stay! Stay. Stay. St- (Chica shaking noises) NOOOOO! STAY! ON! The mat! Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Need I remind you, this video is about the Puff n’ Fluff. Now, the Puff n’ Fluff is an ingenious design-ly… designed to blow… an ingeniously designed invention that gets your dog dry… in minutes. When I say dry, I mean dry as a bone- Nooo~ I almost fell and died. Chica. Look, this is your new home! This- Is that an arm hole? Oh, it’s the hair- oh it’s the tube- OH it’s the tube, okay never mind (laughing) There’s a lot of jokes here! (through laughter) There’s a lot of jokes… There’s a lot of ’em! (serious) But I’m better than that. ‘Cause it’s Thanksgiving. And sit! Or don’t sit that’s fine, too. Okay. Now. NooOO- We’re gonna go in the bag. (Amy giggles) I don’t know HOW you go in the bag… But we’re gonna figure it out! This is what’s known as- oh, shit. TAIL! (bap bap bap) Convenient instructions for the little lady! Okay. O-kay! Okay, you remember how- You remember how- You remember how you were a little lady and you were on the- (stammers) floor mat? Like a lady? Well… All this is… it’s your own little secret- (mumbles) All this is! It’s another floor mat. Yeah! For the little lady! We’re just gonna go… (Mark noises) High in the sky~ Put our toesies right there. Gon’ put our other tootsies right there… in the hole. One. I don’t know where you’re going, but you’re not going anywhere. Two. Here comes number three. And cuatro’s coming up! And… okay. Hold on. Chica, don’t move! Don’t move. This is for your own good. That sounds bad. (laughs) It is for your own good! I’m not saying that in a threatening way. It’s legitimately for your own good! It’s- This is for your goodness! This- This is good for you. This is good. Henry, get your butt outta there. Unless you want to go in the bag next! Now, Chica, we’re gonna- gonna step back… One, two- (grunting) This bag… it’s like a mat that you carry with you. You’re good wherever you go, like a little lady! Then you cinch this up right-tight like that. It’s about to get blowy in here, pup. Ah, I hate that I said that. I’m about to blow this dog. [Amy] It looks like she has arms! [Mark] Da dadada da… Th-Thumbnail! [Amy] Chica! (aggressive spitting noises) I’m not- (spit) I’m not doing this just to do it- Oh, my God! Cloak™, save me! Cloak™- cloakbrand.com, save me! It’s made for me! And for you! The Puff n’ Fluff. It works with the incredible science of thermodynamic blowing. You take a ther- (hairdryer blowing noises) Sorry, Chica. It’s okay! Don’t worry about thing. Yeah, that’s right, that’s right. That’s right, Chica… (spitting noise) Dummy. (Chica panting noises) (more Chica panting noises) (even more Chica panting noises, now with Henry whining noises) (more Chica panting noises) (POP) You instert- You INSTERT, not insert. You instert. You in- you inster- (stammering) You in-…. Oh, my God. Oh, God! You instert- You ins- I’m just gonna hold it. You insert the blower directly into the proboscis of the Puff n’ Fluff, and then you just… set to warm! Not hot. (THE BLOWING HAS BEGUN) (Mark laughing) (blowing intensifies) [Henry] Sister, are you alright? Let me know if The Big Dumb is harming you. I will hurt him. [Mark, yelling over hair dryer] As you can see, through the patented bLOWING technology… the Puff n’ Fluff dries as it blows! Who’s a poofy puppy? WHO’S A POOFY PUPPY?? It you! You’re the poofy puppy! And therefore, in minutes, Chica will be dry as a bo-! NOOOOOO! NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO-HOOO! NOHO-! No no no no! This patented process saves HOURS of laborious drying from your life! No longer will you be subjected to the constant pressures of dry do- WET dogs! YOU, TOO, can have a dry dog with Puff n’ Fluff! (amused Mark noises and laughter) The extra air is vented out the other- HA! AND prevents splashes from unwanted splooshing! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no, Chica! Hold on! H-hold on! Chica, come- c’mere. (laughter) Come here, puppy! (more laughter) Come here, puppy! Oh- oh, God! Oh, God! Oh! Chica, no! CHICA, NO! NO! NO! Nooo! The Puff n’ Fluff! Nooooo! We’ve lost all puff-ulal integrity. Come here! Come here, pup! Come here, you’re not dry, I bet. There’s no way. Come here, come here. Sit! Sit. Can you sit? Or not. [Amy, laughing] Her tail! Nice tuchas! It looks like… a butthole. Like she’s pooping out her own tail. [Mark] Insert your own B to Blow joke here! (choking) I just- urggh… I went to blow and it just blew… dog hair in my mouth! (laughs) I don’t think I got a strong enough blow to beat the blow that’s blowing outta this tube. (blowing noises) What do you think, pup? What do you think? Good? Ya like it? I’m getting hairs- shooting back into my mouth. (blowing resumes) (sounds of Markiplier dying of hair overdose) (blowing resumes) I’m not weird! Where ya going?? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? Okay it’s not very puffed and I’m not a skilled enough- All right so it’s not very puffed and I’m not skilled enough blower to be able to supply enough air, but we’ve got a back-up plan. ‘Cause think about it: Things operate in two different ways in life. They either blow or they suck. And if you turn something that sucks around, suddenly it starts blowing. What am I talking about? A vacuum cleaner. Anyway, so, I can’t move- mMmmMm ChicA nO nO ChiCA mUsh mush muSh- no anti-mush! UN-mush! Chica this way! Chica! Chica!! (engage vacuum noises) AHa-ha!!! [Amy] Are you okay? [Mark] My NIP!! Chica, no! Nooo! Chica, no! Stay with me! Stay with the scary man with many things that blow and/or suck. Think about it. It’s only science. If you suck in, it’s gotta go somewhere. You gotta suck in order to blow. Remember that. It’s a life lesson. So when you’re suckin’, just remember that a blow’s always around the nearest corner. Not only can you make life suck… with tech… you can make it blow. yeeeeaaahhhh-ha ha hA HAHHAHA! YEAH HA HAHAHAHA OH HO HOHO HO IT’S WORKING! ITS WORKING!! I got max pressure here. HOH-OH-HO! (insane laughter) (more maniacal witch laughter) People are gonna think that this is gonna be the thumbnail, right? And people are gonna think, “Ah, you POSED for this thumbnail! Oh, what a fake-y pose-y thumbnail!” NO! This is just how it turned out! (more maniacal laughter) Oh, oh! D’oh- oh! Too much blow!! That’s a fluffy pup! Ten, nine, eight Seven, six, five, four, Three, two, ONEEE! And what we have here is a… bone-dry, drier-than-the-desert, so dry, no moisture anywhere to speak of, unbelieve-a-dry… One dry puppus! [Chica]: (not dry) [Chica] Father, your dumb, stupid plan didn’t work, but I still love you. [Mark] Despite appearances, I am wearing pants, by the way. I didn’t just suddenly change that in between the shots. Anyway, thank you everybody so much for watching. If you want to see more bathtub videos that I’ve made, I’ll put them all in the description below, or all the ones that I can find, anyway. And if you’ve got other crazy ideas for me in bathtubs with various items and/or animals, I guess, let me know down the comments below! And if you got any other crazy ideas let me know down there, as well. Thanks everybody so much for supporting my channel, and thanks to everybody so much for being here on this Thanksgiving Day. If you celebrate it, if you don’t celebrate it, if you’re watching this in the future, it doesn’t matter. Thank you for being here. And, as always, we’ll see you in the next video. Buh-bye! (softly) Bye! (kisses Chica) (Chica sneezing) (more sneezes) (Chica panting) made by mashbuttongamer crappy subtitle by this handsome fellow subtitles refined by sometimes.mikayla. you’re welcome.