The Worst Things About Fall: Whine About It


– Fall and pumpkins and Halloween Got my poncho on because it’s fall. (slurping sound) Mmmm. Delicious. (upbeat jazz music) Hey everyone, my name is Matt Bellassai, and this is Whine About It, a weekly video series where
I get drunk at my desk and complain about stuff. On this week’s episode, Reasons Why Fall Is The Worst. Even though I know it’s
your favorite season. You all jizz your pants for
a venti pumpkin-spice latte with extra (bleep) whip cream. But guess what? Fall blows a little bit. It’s all time we just
admitted that to ourselves and got on with our lives. Let’s drink. (60s elevator music) Cider, apple cider. I think I need to add some rum. But, people drink cider and rum. It’s a fall drink, it’s a fall drink. Rumcider. Then you spin it around. Alright. (music continues) Oh, that was a bad decision but we have to live with it. Alright, first of all, let’s just get this out of the way. Pumpkin is a shit flavor. Pumpkin was a flavor that
was manufactured by Starbucks to make people with furry Ugg boots shit their yoga pants. You know what pumpkin is? A vegetable. The thing you’re all blowing
your leafy loads over is (bleep) damn vegetable juice with a little bit of
whipped spit on top of it. Squash? What the (bleep) is a squash? All I know is pumpkin tastes like if you put cinnamon on a sandcastle. Pumpkin is just, like,
nature’s genital wart. Okay? We all deal with it,
we all deal with them. Next, everybody’s just
insufferable during fall. “Oh you wanna go watch
the trees change color?” That’s what they say. “You wanna go look at all the colorful “folia– flow– floliage– foliage?” That’s what I say. “You wanna go sit by the fire “and grip a mug with two hands, “and talk about maple trees “and squash patches “and riding in the back
of a tractor with hay “driven by a guy in a
flannel shirt named Burl?” Enough. E-nough. Why don’t you and your
chunky Ralph Lauren scarf go jump into a lake? Go jump into a lake. That’s what I say. Next! Squirrels. Okay, the squirrels are
angriest in the fall than they are in any
other time of the year. Cuz all they care about
is getting their berries and their acorns and their pastries. Yes, they do. Squirrels love pastries. As a matter of fact, November 17th, 2012! I baked myself a tray
of delicious, warm, soft Pillsbury sugar-cookies. Baked them all by myself, I did. I set them down on the table to cool off and come back an hour later and what do I see? A massacre. Crumbs everywhere. All over the floor. All over the table. All over the ground, my cookies were. Exhibit B! This mother (bleep)
sitting outside my window, peepin’ in with his mother
(bleep) beady little eyes. He knows. He knows what he’s doing. Not believin’ me yet? You don’t believe this squirrel did it? Exhibit C! One week later, who do I find right
outside my window again with another pastry that he stole from someone else’s kitchen? He brought it back,
right to my window sill just to taunt me. Just to throw it in my face. You think a summer squirrel
would behave like this? You think a spring squirrel
would break into my apartment and steal my homemade sugar-cookies? No. It’s a fall squirrel. They’re (bleep) monsters. Next, everyone want to go apple picking. Why? WHY? You want me to pay $40 to
drive to a (bleep) orchard and pick wormy apples off the ground? The only way you’ll take me apple-picking is if you drag my (bleep) corpse. You might as well carry around my corpse. You’re gonna be carrying a (bleep) damn bushel of apples. Also, while we’re on
the subject of apples, apple pie is disgusting. Someone needs to say it. I don’t give a shit if you think apple pie is delicious. It’s a bunch of hot,
goopy, slimy, apple slices that you just jammed
into a dusty-ass crust. And then everyone’s
like, “Oh, it’s American. “That’s why you have to like it.” You know what’s a better
pie than apple pie? Any (bleep) pie. Any other pie is better than apple pie. And finally, everything is moist and muddy and rainy all the time. Fall is like the back room at a Taco Bell. It’s gloomy. I feel wet for some reason. I have no idea what (bleep) time it is. And my boots are stuck in something that looks a little bit like swamp water. But, by all means, cream your (bleep) jeans because you saw an orange leaf. That’s what I’d say to
everybody who’s like, “Oh, I love fall.” You can cover it up all you want with your pumpkin-spice latte, but you’re still in the
middle of a Taco Bell bathroom with no idea what you’re
doing with your life. Alright, everybody. Thank you for watching this week. As always, you can find new videos every week at whineaboutit.tumblr.com, my page which is
facebook.com/buzzfeedmatt, and you can find them on YouTube now on BuzzFeedVideo. You can look up Whine
About It on BuzzFeed, it’ll be right there on YouTube. That’s it, that’s
everything, that’s all of it. (upbeat jazz music) (cough) (gag) Oh, god. I always have a muffin. (crunching sound) It’s my muffin.