Totally Enlightened

Totally Enlightened


Oh my god. This organic tea that I just bought
at Whole Foods is so yummy. I mean, it was $22.95 a leaf, but it was blessed by Monk
Chaturanga Dandasana of the Trikonasana Temple, each leaf blessed individually. Totally cool,
right? Yeah. By the way, did I show you the new yoga pants I got off eBay? They were worn
by Otamukomonkasana when he discovered Ashtuvunkshasna Inverted Pose. He only wore them once. I’m
never gonna wash them. They smell so holy. Can’t you feel all the good vibes in our apartment?
I put them here. I am so glad that we changed our names. I mean, Linda was my gran-gran’s
name, but I firmly believe it was blocking my path to true happiness. And Prana totally
suits you. I mean, it means the center of the universe, right? And Lotus totally suits
you. I mean, with so many layers of meaning — peace, love, flowers, ponies, rock and
fish mouth. Changing my name to Lotus is fully helping me expand my consciousness. Joyce
was such an anchor. You were totally becoming superficial bitch. Oh my god! We’re late for
yoga. Oh my goodness. You ready? Totally. Easy and then inhale, right leg back. And
open up your hip and the knee. Put a little bend in your left knee. Roll around. Just
explore a little here. Take another big breath in. Exhale. Work that knee and around into
your upper right arm as much as you can here. Excuse me, that’s my spot. I’m sorry? This
is my spot, and you’re in it. Oh, I don’t think it’s assigned seating. Oh, no, I know.
It’s just that everybody knows that this is my spot. It’s just like the spot that I always
use. And it’s sort of like the only spot in the whole world where I can find lightness
and peace. Well, if you come to this class a lot then you know that Mike’s classes always
fill up, which is why I got here early, so… Yeah, but that’s why everybody knows it’s
my spot. Awesome! Oh yeah, oh yes! Everybody, did you know that this was her spot? Is this
her reserved spot? Does this belong to her? Anybody? No, it’s always my spot. I’m not
moving. Chill out. I’m chill, thank you, thank you. Oh my calves! Are you kidding me? Get
off of me! Yeah, it’s so awesome! Opening every part of me up. Oh my calves feel so,
so good. Ooh, nice stretch in my side. Big breath. Lift and reverse and sweep forward
to a twisted chair. Ooh, the burn is amazing! I love it. Oh, this is the best yoga class
I’ve ever taken! Welcome, everyone, to Yoga Camp. I want each and every person in this
room to know that the next few days are going to be very, very hard. Why are you all here?
I think that’s a fair question to ask. You all want to feel happier. You want to feel
less afraid. You also want a more firm, toned buttocks. You’re in the right place to solve
all of those problems. People who don’t understand what I do, say “Hey, you charge people $2,000.”
I charged you, I think, $3,000. This is not just a yoga workshop. This is a soul workshop.
Okay, everyone, let’s begin. Everyone take your tops off. Take a — everyone take a deep
breath. Good. Okay everyone, let’s do Triganatra into Hashanasta into Chataroonsta. Remember
to embrace the Hajnab. Fear is just your mind’s way of telling you you’re doing something
stupid. This is a problem for me, as well as here. Everyone have an open pelvic bowl.
You should be feeling this in your hook. Now I’m gonna come in just so we can, just so
we can do that. Just so we can do that. You feel that? I feel that. Great. Great, great,
great, great. Feel that. Ooh, ooh. Ouh, ouh, ouh. And great. Great, great, great, great.
Bob, what are you doing? I can’t hear you. Well, I had to put you in a timeout. If you
want to join the class, if you’re ready to join the class, then come on, but I need you
on your best behavior, Bob. You promise me? That’s good. That is real, real nice. Everyone
is doing really, really well. Except for you. That’s what happens when you don’t do the
poses the way I ask you to do them, the way I ask you to feel about them. Beat it. Goodbye.
I wish you could Namaste, but you gotta Namago. Now, guys, it’s so important that you really
just feel that deep, deep inside. This is gonna be a new type of thing. Everyone please
do as I do now. Just with your back, just with your left leg. Good. And do it better
than I’m doing it. And then right leg. Good. Let’s keep that switching. Now let’s bring
those legs in. In. Out. In and then out. In. Don’t forget to breathe. And out. In, out.
Keep going. Good, good. Keep — do it more. This is great — 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Keep going
and doing it and count to your selves. Pop and pop. Wait a minute. This guy’s a total
fraud. This isn’t yoga. This is Pilates. Pilates?! No, everyone stay calm. Let’s get out of here.
No, no everyone, let them go. We don’t need them. Now, listen, to be fair, that was not
Pilates either. Listen …ah… Screw it. That totally sucked. Totally. What’s gonna
be our new thing? I have an idea. Zumba! I’m scrubbing, I’m scrubbing, I’m scrubbing, I’m
scrubbing. It won’t go. And I’m like “Hang on a second. Is that mildew?” And I’m like
“You know what? That’s soap scum.” Ooh. Right? Go back to the store, get the soap scum remover
— it’s gone. You’re… That was smart.