Zach Woods Can Barely Lift the Weight of His Own Imagination

Zach Woods Can Barely Lift the Weight of His Own Imagination


I am so happy to meet you. I think you’re hilarious. I’m a big fan, and
I don’t know why you haven’t been here before. Well I’m so excited to
be here, but I’ll admit I’m a little
intimidated by your– previous guest is like
an Oscar winner, unheard, she could have won 30 awards. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like my biggest
achievement lately is being on Ellen. [LAUGHTER] That is not true. It’s being on the
show you’re on. That’s a big achievement, too. And then you’ve been
on a lot of shows. You’re doing very well. Congratulations. A lot of success for you. Thank you. That’s nice. [LAUGHTER] I’m doing all right. I just got a physical, and
my blood work came back good. So– Oh, that’s good. There’s something. That’s great. So all healthy. That’s good to know. Not all healthy. Let’s not get carried away. No, I’m in bad shape, but– Oh. [LAUGHTER] Just sort of a general, like,
pedestrian-level bad shape, not like a medical
emergency bad shape. I see. But the blood work is good? Yeah, so far. OK, good. Do you work out? Well I’ve tried at various
points, and I recently– I was like, I’m going
to get in shape finally. I want to see what it feels
like to have a strong body. And I went to this weightlifting
gym that I found online. And when I got there, it
was just this guy’s garage, and there was all these,
like, jacked guys, like, pumping major iron. And immediately I was like– I really didn’t fit in. I was wearing like
gender-neutral yoga pants from Lululemon. And I had, like, a little
thermos of chamomile tea. And so instantly I was like,
which one of these things do not belong? And he had me do, like,
strength exercises, and immediately just went– he said, OK, you’re very weak. [LAUGHTER] He said, that’s not a judgment. That’s just a fact. So rather than have
you lift weights, we’re just going to have
you lift the bar, like, that you would put weights on. So I started to do that,
but then that was so hard that my arms started to shake. And so he took away the
bar, and he was like, we’ll work our
way up to the bar. It’s more about form. So I want you to just
pantomime the bar. So then I was just
going like this, but my arms were still tired. So, like, I can barely
bench press the weight of my own imagination. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] That’s a shame. That’s a rough time. Yeah. Well, you don’t
need to be strong. You just need to be healthy. So did you stop going there? I stopped immediately. Yeah. After I couldn’t even do
this, I was like, I’ll do, like, physical
therapy or something. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. That’s a good idea. Thanks. Yeah. Are you in a relationship? I am, shockingly. [LAUGHTER] I didn’t mean that
like I didn’t– I was thinking that
you would be, and– Thank you. Yeah. I just– I, yeah, my girlfriend
just moved in with me, and I’m pretty excited about it. How long have you
all been together? We’ve been together
about seven months. And she’s wonderful,
but she also has a tendency to give kind
of misguided compliments. She has very specific taste
in what she finds attractive. So, like, the other night, we
were getting ready for bed. And I was looking at
her, and I was like, God, you’re so beautiful. You look like an
Italian movie star from one of those old
Fellini movies or something. And she was like,
aw, thanks, baby. You know, you too. Like, when you’re
getting ready for bed, and you’re putting in your
retainer, you look like Lurch. [LAUGHTER] I swear to God she said that. And I was like,
Lurch, like the butler from “The Addams Family”? And she was like no, but in a
good way– like young Lurch. [LAUGHTER] As if the issue with looking
like Lurch is that he’s old, not that he’s an actual goblin. So that’s part of why I
wanted to go work out. Yeah. Wow. Well, but other than that,
it’s a good relationship. It’s great. It’s just that– yeah. So seven months, that’s good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kicking along. That’s not a phrase, is it? Kicking along. No. That’s all right. OK. I bet she would
think it’s adorable. OK. All right. Hi, I’m Andy. Ellen asked me to remind you
to subscribe to her channel so you can see more
awesome videos, like videos of me getting scared, or
saying embarrassing things, like ball peen hammer, and
also some videos of Ellen and other celebrities– if you’re into
that sort of thing. [SHRIEK] [BLEEPED OUT] [BLEEPED OUT]